I feel very fucked in the head at the moment. Living in a near-empty house, with nothing to do but read, study, write, read, study, watch TV, write, read etc. I really want a job. I'm not missing classes because I'm freaking out about exams, but it's so strange having no need to leave my house for days and days on end. o_o

Wrote a non-poem last night:

Smile


I don’t like the way that you look at me.

It’s somehow worse, when you smile, than the people who don’t.

I hate –sometimes- the way you are nice to me.

This is some kind of friendship,

(hypocrisy).


You smile as though you get it (you don’t).

You laugh as though it’s funny (it’s not).

You smile as though I’m something you can- name, tag, place, define,

Use me as a party piece, (Look look! See how it moves it talks it dances!)

Put me on display, (on a shelf, a table, a wall),

Like some Abstract bought for charity

You’re “open minded”

But you don’t get it.

You judge it though narrow, stained-glad windows,

See the shape but never the colour, the pattern, the thought.

Place it
Deface it

You cannot contain it.


For I am Fire

I am Wind

I am breath and heartbeat. groan and

Light.

Hope and Darkness.

Agony

Torture

Ice.


I am everything.


I don’t like the way that you look at me,

But I am Fury,

And you see nothing.


--


Rambles:
I'm finding it kind of strange, thinking about what lives are worth, what they mean, and how they matter. How death figures in. How far you can go with protecting your heart before you become callous, and when things just hurt too much to bear.

I dunno, I'm just thinking.


Writing is also strange right now. The way I am currently working is that I focus on one chapter of DMT, then one chapter of BtS, then swap. Although this is working for the most part, it's kind of developing a weird see-saw sensation, especially because of how long it's taking me to write each chapter. I get hugely focused on one story - I'm thinking constantly about the characters, and the plot and the words and everything, then I suddenly stop, and have to get into a story I've large not thought about for like, a month. It's weird. A good challenge, but weird. I start work on BtS_08 today, I have NO IDEA what the first scene of the chapter is going to be, but I'll figure it out.

Anyway, that's enough from me for now.
Page out.